Sea of Nourishment

I'm just going state off the bat that this post isn't about anything in particular and that I just need to write things into the ether, into the matter, into the eyes of the world. Sometimes I simply wrestle with my relationship to what I sometimes call God, or spirit, or ancestors, or the universe. Sometimes I wrestle in that relationship for control and other times I wrestle because the context of that spiritual relationship is getting bigger and it feels like I am tearing a too-small coat at the seams.

At the moment I am tearing the coat. But I guess the good news is that I have surrendered my control, or perhaps more apt, I have fucking given up. I'm not sure what the difference is exactly, but the latter feels like my teen-age self sassily walking away with my tail feathers up. "Fine, I will sit alone in my room and meditate, study the body, and do nothing. Fine, I will stop trying to get bigger. Fine, I will enjoy my life instead of trying to push to make any goshdamn thing happen. Fine." I give up.

I keep getting smaller and smaller. I keep getting more present. I keep getting less tolerant of the latest fade, the trendy mode of thinking, the so-fucking-many-things-to-get-into. Really I'm just tired. There are a lot of reasons for that but mostly I am tired by how many things there are in the world. Even the good things feel like a chore and a schooling and I am always behind and I will never have the bandwidth to catch up on the how I'm supposed to be a better person--aka, how I am never doing it "right." It seems like we are all failing at being people.

But also, there is a lot of beauty happening too. I'm just grumpy right now so I'm going to keep being grumpy because there is health in that too.

At the essence of all this is just a deep, deep desire to have life be more simple. There is too much going on in this world. I can't keep up. The funny thing is, however, I fight the simple life because I keep thinking I need to go to Greece, or take a year long class, or buy a house in a sinking city, and then at the end of the day the spirits are like "fucking stop and sit down and be quiet." So I keep getting smaller and more present and sometimes really angry and other times deeply insecure. I can't know I am doing any of this "right" based on comparing myself to anyone outside of me. So I have to get smaller and more present and realize I can only rely on the small still voice in me that says "get smaller and get more present."

If I can only be in this moment then I can't spend my time in forlorn futures of events and love that may or may not transpired. If I can only be in this moment then somehow I need to recognize that what feels like illness and destruction is actually part of the greater health because sickness is health too. Death is life too. Decay is growth too. It is all part of the whole.

So I have to recognize where I am proud and I am proud of how healthy my relationships and communications are these days. There surely has been opportunity to fall into ego, despair, self-pity and insecurity. I really love those things. They are good friends. But I have to gently ask them to leave my front room, and the porch, and even the yard because they don't serve me any longer. I am also proud of where I have come from and how much I have had to surrender. I am proud that I am learning discipline. I am proud that I am breathing better. I hear that it is not how high one climbs but how deep the valley was below. Phew, it's been a steep mountain, I am grateful to be here.