Reflections About a Ghost

I’m ready to move on, once and for all. Somethings in life snag at the seams of your psyche for much longer than you wished they would, but unfortunately those are the things that also bring you into the awe and wonder of a power greater yourself. Who am I to tell The Creators that their plan is faulty and wrong? Life always seems to come together in the end. 

Cryptic spiritualism aside, I think I have finally let go of my rage over being ghosted by someone I really, really liked. A million times over I’ve wondered if this person has a different version of the story. A million times over I have wondered what I did wrong. At least a thousand times I thought about calling to at least clear the air. Only occasionally have I actually missed them; my rage got in the way of any meaningful reminiscing. 

But finally I’m over it. It came in two parts. One was having my belly massaged in every which way from four days in a workshop and after that so much energy moved through me I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or alive. The second part came while reading about “listening” to the body which really means feeling the electrical-magnetic charge that comes off healthy or unhealthy organs. I don’t know how to say that in a way that will make any more sense but essentially I’m learning how to feel for unhealthy restrictions in peoples bodies. It feels like a superpower. It got me thinking about attraction and how we are being pulled towards what is unhealthy because it is the very thing that hurts us the most and that is where we need healing. We are attached to our wounds so we can bring the light of spirit to those parts of ourselves. So we are attracted to people precisely because they have the key to our healing, though it may be through a puzzle-piece of misconceptions. I wish it wasn’t this way but that’s what I’ve come to know. 

The short story: I was ghosted, went into a huge rage, then two month later my brother resurfaced after 16 years of total absence. The universe isn’t so random after all. My rage for a very short relationship was clearly misplaced but it was a stand in for the unfelt anger of years of ghosting from my brother, I believe now. I’m not saying being ghosted was a good thing—truly the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me in dating—but now I can see how it stood as a tool for my healing. It helped me clear a lot of energy away. 

And of course, I have my part. I have so much wounding that is makes it super challenging to actually believe anyone will stick around (lol). I have entered many a relationship looking for long term stability when the relationship has barely gotten off the ground. Or I have tried to change people because I think they should be different then they are. I have tried too hard to make someone like me because I’m afraid of what they will actually see in me. Or I was living into a faulty belief that I had to give all of me away when in reality holding on to myself is the only way love can be real. 

These lessons sure didn't feel good. But like anything else, you survive, you learn spiritual lessons, and you heal so you never have the make the same mistake again. I know what fire feels like and I pray that was the last of it I will be attracted to. What does earth attraction feel like, I wonder.. This particular spiritual kerfuffle feels like the final round of Mario Brothers where the bad guys are even bigger but once you make it through that level it feels sooo good to go to the next (disclaimer, I never got that far in Mario Brothers. Maybe Donkey Kong but otherwise I didn’t play many video games). 

So in conclusion, I’m sorry for my part in the mayhem that love incites. I am grateful for the opportunity to heal. And I forgive you, and myself. Be well.