Dog dog dog dog...

A few days ago I took my dog to the vet to get heartworm prevention and I asked about getting his teeth cleaned. I’ve been balking on the cleaning because its so damn expensive. I’m not going to shame myself for these feelings around the price of dog care because how are we supposed to manage late-stage capitalism when we have to choose between saving for taxes and health care? But none the less, emergency health care won because I found out he had a loose tooth which needed to be extracted (turns out they just wiggled it and it fell out). Infections in dogs teeth can kill them and my dog is 11 years old so he teeth weren't looking so good. And also, he is perfect and I love him so. 

I was really shaken by this whole experience for a couple of days. I had dreams about his teeth and was just generally feeling bad. I took care of myself on the physical level, I took care of myself on the emotional/spiritually level, and still there was something troubling me that I couldn’t quite figure out. I prayed, I wrote, I shook, I talked, I slept and it didn’t budge until I realized what was underneath my feelings. Yes, I feel bad he’s been running around probably feeling shitty and hurting but ultimately I am just really, really sad that he is going to die someday. I’m facing his mortality a little more all the time even though he is still very much alive and spry but nonetheless, he’s 11 which is like nearly 80 in dog years. I accept he is going to die and I also grieve for it all the time because he has been such a big part of my own healing journey.

I have heard that loosing a pet is one of the worst griefs people go through and I believe it is because pets are such a simple relationship. I’m leaving room for that not to be true in all cases, but for the most part pets don’t get drunk and embarrass you, they don’t talk back and sass you, and they love you regardless of how much you suck. Dogs in particular are just unbridled balls of joy and love. It is truly awe inspiring and amazing how they can just eminent so much radiance, which is why it is particularly egregious when someone abuses a dog to the point that it is mean and broke spirited. (Of course, this is also true of humans but that’s not what I’m talking about right now.) I admit I used to resent taking care of my dog sometimes because I just wasn't even able to take care of myself that well. But over the years I've come to realize how it's a gift to care for him and that is reflected in how I now care for myself.

I remember the first time I met my dog. Lordy, he was so scared and fucked up. From the moment I met him he was simultaneously terrified and full of love and looking back I really resonated with that kind of experience. I really believe that dogs (maybe all pets, but I only know about dogs) connect so deeply to your nervous system. We find each other because on a deep fundamental level we get each other. At least that has been the case with my dog. Also maybe it’s “projection”? But also, what is the difference when it all comes down to it? How do you parse out this kind of nonverbal communication and bond? Every time I shift emotionally/spiritually my relationship with my dog shifts. Every time I open my heart bigger our relationship gets stronger. It truly has been an education is love.

I found Lucian nearly 10 years ago in a shelter after he had been given up by his previous owners. I will never have any idea why. Did they abuse him? He was pretty traumatized. Or was he so sensitive that they couldn’t deal with him? He was the only dog that didn’t have piss and shit all over his kennel and that was an immediate star on his chart. He was also very attentive to humans. One dog I met peed on himself and another just couldn’t be bothered with my existences at all. Sprawls, as he was known in at the time, was funny and fast and joyful. So I took him home and boy, it hasn’t always been easy. 

What it all comes down to for me as I am thinking about my dog aging and eventually dying is that I have watched him heal so profoundly in the past 10 years. For context, it took me two years before I could put a leash on him and walk him around a city block because just being in the world terrified him. He used to spend most of his time hiding under my bed (still does, but for different reasons) and he hated going out. But honestly, I used to hide under the covers (still do, but for different reasons) and I also didn’t like going out (still don’t). As I watch him grow and change and heal I am actually just watching myself grow and change and heal. I’ve told him I love him about a million times, give or take a few hundred thousand, and I really believe that that kind of expression of love on-goingly, consistently, over time has completely reshaped him. And me. It’s a profound experience to reflect on this and his mortality drives it home to me all the time.

It took me a number of years before I realized how bananas pet ownership is. When you really think about it, it’s kind of insane that we take animals away from their mothers as tiny babies then somehow they grow up to trust and bond with a completely different species. Inter-species relationships are so incredibly special for that reason. I think it grows a lot of empathy and it is also a way for city-folk to get in touch with a part of ourselves that is mostly unavailable. Throughout history people have lived very closely with animals as livestock and work animals but nowadays a lot of us will only truly know and bond with domesticated animals as pets. I think it is important for the psyche to relate through our hearts in this way. Animals certainly understand a few words here and there, but I think ultimately they understand us more then we could ever know ourselves because they are sensing us to the core. They know our habits, our moods, our intentions, perhaps even before we do. 

And fundamentally pets are a relationships like any other kind of relationship. I have gone through so many phases with my dog from deep, deep love to contemplating rehousing him. Sometimes he feels like a burden, sometimes he feels like a gift. I’ve been mad at him and he’s been incredibly stubborn. I’ve been bored of him and his been needy with me. But at the end of the day he has unconditional love no matter how much I neglect him or no matter what mood I’m in. He truly is a magnificent creature and I don’t say this lightly in some sentimental kind of “dog’s a mans best friend” way. I also don’t call him my baby because I did not give birth to him. I simply respect him and he’s taught me so much about respecting all life and all sentient creatures. He is an autonomous being with his own guiding force, with his own higher power, his own spiritual path and in the end we are so intertwined I'm not sure who is regulating who in this relationship.

But I can’t leave this here because nothing is ever about one thing because everything is always about everything. Over the past several months my capacity for life seems to be getting smaller and smaller and more contained. It sometimes kind of concerns me but I feel like I am undergoing a massive reset of my nervous system and that presents itself in how I am actually able to show up better for the smallest and most immediate circumstances of my life. Doggo being part of that journey and fortunately or unfortunately he is also my testing ground and my spiritual barometer.

My ability to open my heart bigger to my dog allows me and shows me how to open up bigger to the world at large. I heard a mythology recently that I am totally going to butcher but essentially the upshot was the world was created and destroyed by the abuse and love of a dog. Two separate dogs. The first dog being the abused one which caused a massive multigenerational rift and the second dog being the incarnation of a god which winds up giving a lot of grace to humanity for the love it received. That all makes sense? My take away, the whole take away: it really, really matters how you treat that which is closest to you, that which is vulnerable, that which loves you. It doesn’t matter if you are fighting for civil rights in congress if you are going home and treating your spouse like shit (I’ve never in my life met this person but I image they exist). I am also told that doing one small act with love and kindness is worth more than big acts altruism done with a malicious heart. Perhaps there is a lot more to unpack in these ideas but I want to emphasis that fact that opening up to love is an act of revolution these days and that creates the kind of change we need to see. The momentum of love, presence, system regulation is a disruption of capitalism, extraction, violence and separation-consciousness.

I know this writing is a small drop in the bucket and there are deeply important issues we are facing as a global community but I don’t think this tiny piece of writing is separate from all that in some ways. We have a lot of work ahead. Resource yourself. Resources your friends. Take care of your shit. Be kind to your pet or your neighbors pet. The small acts actually do matter because they build relationships with the world around us and that is all life is really about. 

And just one final thing I want you to know because I am not sure I've made this clear: my dog is absolutely perfect and I love him so.